I’m Sad

20180622_162306

I’m sad.
I’m so sad that i don’t even want to be happy again.
so sad that if you tried to cheer me up i would just ignore you or be mean to make you go away
Being mad would feel good.
i’m so sad it’s hard not to get mad about it.
i want to blame something.
Then i could get mad about something and not just feel sad
Because i’m sad about being scared
But i don’t want you to know i’m scared or sad so i’ll just pretend to be mad
i’d rather be sad
i’m afraid to be scared
i’m afraid if you find out i’m sad or scared you’ll say “you’re weak too”
i’m afraid you’ll ask me what i’m afraid of
i’m afraid of being vulnerable
i’m afraid if i tell you that you’ll treat me different
i’m afraid you’ll use my feelings to control me
i know these feelings are only temporary but i’m afraid if i tell you you’ll expect me to be sad and mad and scared all the time
i’m afraid i’m already sad and mad and scared too much
i’m afraid that if i do what i want and be who i believe i am, i will be unlovable
because i know nobody wants to be around someone who is always sad and mad and scared and i know i’m not always this way but maybe i am already too much of the time for you so
i tell myself i would rather be what someone else wants than be myself unlovable and alone
so i try to be someone else
and that makes me so mad i forget
how scared i am right now
and that scares you
and then i get sad again
but only for a while because
at least i’m being myself again
even if it makes me unlovable and alone
being myself
is why i love me
and i’m worth waiting for
someone who loves me even when i’m sad or mad or scared because i want someone who loves me as much as i do
and i want someone who
no matter how much they feel sad or mad or scared
knows i love them too

20180622_162315.jpg

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s