Shame and Blame (and all the good stuff too)

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I can love you while you run away.
I can rationalize it’s better this way.
I can blame you and feel shame.
I can cry every day.
I can forgive you for disappearing.
I can make it all seem like a beautifully crafted magical dream.
I can feel small and ignored, disrespected and rejected. I can feel neglected and still
I can thank you for creating the silence that holds space for all these feelings.
I can give myself what you refuse to give me, acknowledgment, acceptance, and appreciation, care, love, and attention. I celebrate my existence and affirm I deserve all of it.

Part of me is sure
you didn’t mean to leave, that
we’ll look back and laugh
one day when you remember
what you mean to me
what I mean to you
but then I get confused

I must remind myself.
I comprise many parts,
but you are not one of them
My perception is not your reality.
What your eyes see is not really me.
Projection is a hell of a drug,
and a flawless disguise
What you or I judge is really
always ourself.
Equally true,
I don’t exist outside of you.
What we call “we”
is actually two lies:
the inside you “me”
and the inside me “you.”
When you can’t see me,
you feel like I don’t see you but
that’s not me hiding,
It’s you.

Neither do I define that wonder
which is you,
nor do you define that majesty
which is me.
We are each responsible for the development of our own individuality.

You can forget what kind of man I was
and forget who you think I am
I’ll still be me.
I can modify your image in my mind
You’ll still be you.
We can erase any memory.
They were wrong.
I’m glad they’re gone.
Yesterday is dreams.
Allowing actualization
means letting go of
what seems.

You can deny the connection we formed.
I’ll save the sacred energy I recieve inside of me. Someday maybe we can share it over tea. I don’t push away these parts of me. I act in many ways, both healthy and destructive, wise and foolish, I am new every day. I learn. I change. I forget and regress. I grow best under duress.

I can impart my grandest romance into the deepest nightmare, your absolute, pitch black silence.
You can run and think “I’ll never come back.”
I’ll still be here if you change your mind. Loyalty, love, patience and compassion are easy to give you. The challenge is to keep some for myself.

Sometimes I wish I loved you half as much then maybe it would last twice as long as it did and hurt less when you left but maybe I would learn less too.

So stay away as long as you can. Because love you lose can be found again, like Gandhi’s shoes on the train. I’ll just be over here, learning to be strong, loving everything and counting on some of it coming back someday, even if it isn’t you coming back to me.

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