I forgot

I forgot to not
react to you
when you just wanted
someone to talk to
I always knew
your fears were
fleeting and specious
attempts to test my ability:
to avoid
unnecessarily comforting you
to keep
my sword drawn on you
to maintain
the boundaries of myself
as you let down your walls
to hop and sniff
as a bunny might
on her first March morning
warm enough to explore
the world outside
her safe underground lair

I forgot to not
take care of your feelings
I was certain, once, that
your suspicions were
just your defense
nothing personal
I was confident
your jealousy was baseless
because there was never
anyone else but you

I forgot to not
be afraid of you.
I was really good, for a while,
at letting you have your worry,
catching and reflecting it.
like the moon bouncing off a placid lake,
a hammock just supporting your weight.
I accepted your intuitions were
like emotional buoys warning “no wake”
making me slow down my heart’s
precipitous fall

I forgot to not
chase you
when you wanted space
but couldn’t ask
in constructive ways
and tried to communicate
by pushing me away
but instead
I pursued and assumed
I could fix everything
I imagined your instincts
were just keeping me honest
cause I can always do better
In fact, I promised you
I would always do better
like Issac Hayes knew
when he had Sam and Dave sing:
When something is wrong with my baby,
something is wrong with me.

I forgot to not
always be myself with you
Even when you thought I was untrue
my authentic self
made you feel confused
It’s a tough ask to believe
I wear my heart on my sleeve
My masks wear masks
sometimes I let my deepest fears
breach the surface like humpback whales
and blast salt water from their blowholes
before diving back down
to the depths of my subconscious

I forgot to do so much

I forgot to not do so much

I could have done more, sure, but

I remember now:

Only patience makes the flowers bloom

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